By Jamie Roach
Our two oldest children, who each have babies, both recently bought baby gates for their stairs. Their doing so is a great example of one of the most important jobs we have as parents: to keep our children safe. To do so often requires us to set boundaries. Just like the baby gate at the top of the stairs, boundaries are designed to keep our children safe.
Oftentimes, the boundaries we set as parents are met by our children with resistance or anger. For example, you tell your teen they need to be home by midnight when their best friends can stay out till 1 a.m. In this scenario, it would not be surprising if your child responded with feelings of disappointment and frustration. This is where staying present as a parent can get really tough. If we are not mindful, we may tend to either dig in our heels, not listen and hold the boundary in a way that leaves our teen feeling misunderstood and unseen. Or we swing to the other extreme and crumble under the emotional pressure and give in to their demands. However, there is a third option for parents who are presence-centered. We can hold the boundary while also practicing empathy. Holding the boundary keeps them safe. Practicing empathy shows them they are seen and understood and validated.
Think about it for a moment. How do you feel when someone imposes boundaries upon you? It often doesn’t feel good. Think about your inner experience when you are in a hurry and stuck in a long line. Whenever we have to submit our will to another, it can feel frustrating. Sometimes when we do not get what we want, we experience disappointment. So of course, when we impose our will upon our children, even when it is for their own good, it is natural for them to feel frustrated or disappointed. This is one of those times being a parent is so challenging. You want to both keep them safe while also maintaining a close relationship with them. Our job as parents is to hold on to both while letting go of neither.
Mirroring (Practicing Empathy)
When our children are expressing what they are feeling, even when it’s disappointment or anger, our job as parents is to empathize with them. It is our job to validate what they are feeling. In other words, even as we hold the gate in one hand, we hold the mirror in the other. After setting the boundary, we now make space for our children to feel what they are feeling. We reflect back to them what we are receiving from them. We use our words as well as our bodies to communicate, I see you. We say things like, “You are really frustrated.” “This doesn’t feel fair,” and “If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the exact same way.” Reflecting back their feelings and experience gives your children the felt sense of being seen. It helps them to feel real in the world while increasing their felt sense of self. Ignoring what they are feeling leaves them with the impression, “Something is wrong with me.”
Setting boundaries and practicing empathy are like two sides of the same coin, it doesn’t work to try and separate them. Boundaries without empathy tend to lead to rigidity, coldness, isolation, and legalism. On the other hand, empathy without boundaries may lead to chaos, uncertainty, mistrust, and disrespect. Setting up the gate while also holding up the mirror trains our kids to love their neighbors and themselves.
