By Tim and Olivia Smith
When we blended our families in 1997, we had high hopes and expectations for our unique family system. After the pain of divorce for both of us, we believed in our new start and that our love would withstand any challenge. We were filled with confidence in how this would be a family like no other family, one where the kids would love us and love each other. We had this. We would not fail. Then we returned from our honeymoon, and it all changed. Benjamin Franklin said: “We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.” When we think about the blended family and two newlyweds trying to manage siblings and stepsiblings together, we’ve translated that quote a little bit differently: “As parents, we must hang together, otherwise these children will hang us separately.”
Now looking back some three decades later, we remember the reality of how different this was compared to anything we had ever experienced. Blending the six personalities of our children and stepchildren entrusted to us by God and bringing them together in this new family was hard work indeed. We longed for resources or even a playbook of how to get it right. Unfortunately, those resources did not exist.
We can’t tell you we always got it right. We failed many times in our journeys as spouses, stepparents and coparents. But we put in the hard work, put God at the center of our marriage and home, and we learned some important lessons along the way.
Chances are good that part of your immediate or extended family is blended in some way or has been shaped by divorce – in fact, nearly half of U.S. children under 13 live with a biological parent and a stepparent. As we enter the Christmas season filled with family gatherings, we wanted to share a few strategies we’ve learned from our journey blending our family.
Recognize grief: Divorce causes longterm deep wounds for everyone touched by it. It’s hard to know when that hurt will resurface and how it will present itself in behavior – in yourself, your spouse or your kids. Even for adult children in a blended family, the holidays can be a reminder of the loss of the original family structure. Approach conversations, gatherings and especially traditions with this lens so you can give grace and recognize when someone’s engagement might be shaped by their grief.
Stay flexible: Traditions and holidays are emotionally charged and can lead to power struggles that can damage our relationships. We’ve learned to be flexible about which days we celebrate (yes, you can have an amazing Thanksgiving on a Friday!) in order to make space for a large, growing extended family. Have honest conversations with your spouse – and then with your children – about expectations, wishes and needs so you can choose where to compromise.
Embody respect: Create an environment where, as tough as it may be, you’re not triangulating or badmouthing the biological parents or stepparents your children or grandchildren share. It is tempting to outwardly disagree with how an ex-spouse or other family member is handling a situation and holiday gatherings can bring those issues to the surface. Commit to curating a space that doesn’t invite gossip or negativity.
Seek patience and prayer: Building strong family bonds takes intentionality and hard work. Like parenting, we don’t often see the fruits of that difficult work until later. But grounding your family in prayer, faith practices and God’s encouraging love will sustain you through the challenges and strengthen your family. Be patient. You’re in this for the longhaul.
Our biggest takeaway? Putting God and our marriage at the center helped us always remember who and whose we are. Joy, sorrow, anger and hurt will be ours along the way, but our hope lies in the risen Christ. As you and your family celebrate his coming this Christmas, we wish peace in your homes and hearts.
About the authors: Tim and Olivia Smith founded Blended Not Broken, a ministry that provides biblically grounded resources, tools and coaching for blending families. Their newest book is a 100-day devotional for stepparents called Blending. The Smiths are longtime friends of Youthfront, and Tim is the current chairman of the Youthfront board of directors.
