By Jamie Roach
When our daughter was fifteen, she went through a very painful breakup with her boyfriend. She was really hurting. I don’t remember if her mother and I were not available or if she just felt safer talking to someone else about all the emotional upheaval she was experiencing inside. What I do know was that she went to the home of a trusted family friend where she spent the next couple of hours sharing her heart, shedding lots of tears and eating lots of ice cream. She came home feeling much better than when she left.
As every parent knows, raising children is hard work. It was never meant to fall solely on the shoulders of one or two individuals. As the African proverb wisely states, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Both historically and especially in the church, raising children has been a collective responsibility shared by the entire community, not just the parents. While parents take the lead, we all need other voices speaking into the lives of our children.
My wife and I are so thankful to the village that helped us raise our four children. One of our daughters wrote a beautiful letter to the adult mentor community she had in her life growing up – I revisited that message recently as it moved me tremendously to know what that community meant to her. She wrote in part, “I think that maybe the best thing my parents ever did for me was let me be surrounded by you people. By letting me grow up in a community of people who knew my name, who knew my story, who ended up helping write so much of my story.”
As I reflect on the friends and family members who have served as mentors in our children’s lives over the span of 30 years, I am aware of the many benefits they had. The first that comes to mind is that of a loving presence. It was in the presence of these invested adults that my children learned they were loved as well as how to love others. As a therapist, I am often reminded of just how hard it can be to love one’s self. Daily I sit with people who easily love others but struggle to love themselves. Being immersed in a community of love gave our children the actual experience of being loved, making it much easier for them to actually love themselves. A key part of mentorship is attuning oneself to the needs and desires of the other. This attunement is crucial in the developmental lives of our kids. Perhaps you can recall an adult in your life that you felt really “got you.” How did it feel to feel so understood? Pretty amazing, right?
Another gift that mentors give children is exposure to diverse perspectives and experiences. This enriches their cognitive and emotional development and prepares them for relationships and problem-solving in broader social contexts. I will forever be grateful for Chris, a mentor in my son’s life. In addition to being a supportive, attuned and loving presence, Chris taught our son to play the guitar, something I was unable to do. Playing the guitar and singing went on to be a huge part of Logan’s life and a tremendously enriching experience.
Another huge gift loving adults pass on to our children is a tangible expression of God’s love. The apostle John points out, “No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us, and his love is made complete in us.” In other words, through the practical and tangible love of other adults, our children come to know experientially the love of God.
I know this list of benefits of mentors is woefully inadequate. What am I missing? How have other adult role models benefited your life?
I want to end this post with two challenges. The first is to begin creating a village of mentors to help you raise your children. The second is to consider how you can be part of the village for others’ kids in your community.
Not sure where to start? Begin with trusted friends at your church. This is just one of many reasons that being active members of a local church community is so important. Mentorship tends to flow naturally when we see church as a people we are with rather than a place or program we attend. One of the fruits of “church as community” is that children naturally imitate the adults they are rubbing shoulders with.
About Jamie Roach: Jamie has served on the staff of Youthfront for 35 years, working with students, parents and youth workers. His passion is seeing people live their best life. Jamie is a spiritual director, author, communicator and Licensed Professional Counselor at Youthfront’s affiliate, Presence-Centered Counseling. He received his Master of Divinity degree from Nazarene Theological Seminary and a Master of Arts in Counseling from Mid-America Nazarene University. Jamie loves Nebraska football, reading, walks in the woods and hanging out with his family. Jamie and his wife Lea Ann have four adult children and four grandchildren.
