By Jamie Roach
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou
Children, in their developmental exploration, often encounter rising temperatures of anger, disappointment and fear—leaving parents in a pivotal position to guide them back to more comfortable temperatures. The significance of parental emotional regulation in these moments cannot be overstressed, both from a Christian perspective and through the lens of affective neuroscience, or how the brain processes emotions.
Much like a thermostat regulates the temperature within a home, a parent’s presence sets the emotional temperature. A thermostat does not mirror temperature, it actively sets and maintains it. Likewise, parents who see themselves as a kind of emotional thermostat actively shape the emotional temperature of their home. They do not behave as thermometers, reacting to the emotional states of their children. Instead their calm presence soothes the inner life of their upset child. When children are “running hot,” a thermostat parent proactively maintains an inner calm that serves to cool the nervous system of the child. In contrast, a thermometer parent matches their child’s dysregulated state, which is like throwing gas on a fire.
For example, a few years ago I set a firm boundary with our adolescent daughter denying her something she wanted badly. She did not like it and quickly became angry. There was a verbal eruption that followed, with her storming out of the room. My own blood now boiling, I took after her. When I caught up with her, my anger matched her own. Our altercation ended with her once again stomping off with angry tears while I stayed behind to punch a hole in the door. Can you hold that scene in your mind? Can you feel it? How do you imagine my presence felt to her?
Jesus’ profound declaration, “You are the equipment,” (Matthew 10:10 MSG) captures the essence of what it means to be a thermostat parent. It suggests that the most crucial tools at our disposal are not external strategies or techniques but the kind of people we are becoming—our ability to embody the fruit of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Just last night I was talking to a young father of a two-year-old. His daughter, like mine, had “thrown a fit” when she did not get what she wanted. He explained, “In that moment I told myself, my number one job is to stay calm for her.” He did and his calm presence did its work of calming her. Can you imagine this scene and how it feels so different from the one with my daughter and me?
From the perspective of the latest neuroscience, the metaphor of the thermostat aligns with the concept of co-regulation. Our brains are wired to connect with those around us, meaning the emotional state of a parent significantly influences the neurological state of the child. When a parent maintains an inner and outer sense of peace (emotional balance), it helps the child’s brain to mirror this state, leading to calmer, more rational responses to stress or disappointment. Dr. Dan Siegel, a prominent voice in Interpersonal Neurobiology, highlights the importance of parents maintaining their own emotional health as a means of promoting the same in their children. In a recent podcast to parents he stated, “Children learn inner (emotional) regulation through interactive regulation with their parents.” Seeing one’s self as the thermostat and maintaining a calm presence, parents create an environment where their children feel safe, soothed and seen. These children experience a “secure attachment” to their parents and are therefore able to explore their emotions and develop healthy coping strategies.
One last critical point: We are not the source of peace, God is. “We live deeply and surely in God, and God lives in us. And this is how we experience God’s deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit given to us.” (1 John 3:23-24). Apart from God’s presence we have only our own anxiety, worries and fears to pass on. In Jesus’ own words, “…apart from me, you can do nothing” (John 15:5). On the other hand, as we remain in Christ, the peace of Christ remains in us. We become the equipment, able to regulate our children’s strong feelings rather than react to them. As you rest securely in God’s love, your children will find rest in you.
About Jamie Roach: Jamie has served on the staff of Youthfront for 35 years, working with students, parents and youth workers. His passion is seeing people live their best life. Jamie is a spiritual director, author, communicator and Licensed Professional Counselor at Youthfront’s affiliate, Presence-Centered Counseling. He received his Master of Divinity degree from Nazarene Theological Seminary and a Master of Arts in Counseling from Mid-America Nazarene University. Jamie loves Nebraska football, reading, walks in the woods and hanging out with his family. Jamie and his wife Lea Ann have four children: Megan (31), Haley (28), Logan (25) and Sophie (22).
