By Jamie Roach
The holidays are supposed to be exciting and restful, meaningful and fun, a time to recharge and spend quality time with friends and family. Sounds like a lot to ask, doesn’t it? No wonder for many of us, the fast-approaching holidays invoke feelings of both excitement and dread. If making it through the holidays can feel like running the gauntlet for us adults, just imagine what it might feel like for our still-developing, anxious, or easily frustrated children. Here are a few suggestions to help all kids—and parents—enjoy the holiday season.
Remind yourself that your kids are good kids.
Your kids are created in the image of God, filled with God’s Spirit, and are doing the very best they can. The holidays are tough on everyone. Try giving your kids the benefit of the doubt and see how you feel. Like Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of Good Inside, is always saying, “I don’t have bad kids. I have good kids who sometimes do bad things.” This attitude will allow you to stay calm, have more compassion for your kids, and remain connected with them as you are curious about any disappointing behavior.
Prioritize presence over perfection.
The novelty of the holiday season coupled with a break in the routine is going to create some challenges for both you and your kids. This is a good time to remember perfection has no place in raising children. The goal is presence, not perfection. What both you and your children will remember is the way you felt when you were together, even more than what you did. Just plan on there being some road bumps. People are going to get frustrated, irritated, and even flat-out angry. It’s ok. You can repair any ruptures that take place. Confession and forgiveness are at the heart of what it means to follow Jesus. See this upcoming season, not as a time to pursue perfection but as a time to be more deeply connected through forgiveness and resilience by practicing grace.
This is a good time to remember perfection has no place in raising children. The goal is presence, not perfection.
Prepare to be in different homes.
New environments can create uncertainty around boundaries. While your kids know what is expected out of them in your house, visiting relatives’ and friends’ homes is a whole other ballgame with its own set of rules. Therefore it can be very helpful to talk with your kids before leaving your house about what you expect from them in this new environment. Be as specific as possible. The younger they are, the more important this is.
Set aside time to rest and cultivate quiet.
For kids who are easily overstimulated or become more anxious around crowds and loud noise, setting aside a soothing room for them can be a real game changer. Clinical psychologist, Rachel Busman, PsyD., explains, “During family gatherings, we want to achieve a balance between being social with relatives while also knowing that, if things get too overwhelming and intense, there’s a place to take a break and just be quiet.”
Provide the appropriate amount of structure.
The transition from a highly structured school day to hours of free time is tough on anybody’s system, but especially for developing young humans. Kids tend to function best when activities are structured for them. The holidays provide time to structure an appropriate amount of activities together such as putting a puzzle together, doing art projects, and watching movies that your kids enjoy. Many families have developed family traditions to go along with this time of year. Practicing Advent, Christmas caroling, decorating sugar cookies, and visiting light displays are just a few traditions I have heard of families doing.
Balance the primary need for independence and community.
We all have different social needs. As parents, it is incumbent upon us to know what each of our children’s limits are when it comes to social interactions. For one kid, being with relatives is going to provide a jolt of electricity and for the next, it is going to feel like a huge drain on their energy supply. Each child needs to be handled according to how they are wired.
Be kind to yourself.
As I said at the beginning, the holiday season can be “the most wonderful time of the year” and it can also be the worst. It definitely comes with challenges. As a parent, you are going to be stretched and perhaps made to feel like a failure. So be kind to yourself, and open up your heart to receive God’s grace and forgiveness. This is the season of Emmanuel, God with us. To know God is to feel God loving you. So take a deep breath. Inhale peace, love and joy. Exhale patience, kindness, and beauty. You got this. And even when you don’t, God has you.
About Jamie Roach: Jamie has served on the staff of Youthfront for 35 years, working with students, parents and youth workers. His passion is seeing people live their best life. Jamie is a spiritual director, author, communicator and Licensed Professional Counselor at Youthfront’s affiliate, Presence-Centered Counseling. He received his Master of Divinity degree from Nazarene Theological Seminary and a Master of Arts in Counseling from Mid-America Nazarene University. Jamie loves Nebraska football, reading, walks in the woods and hanging out with his family. Jamie and his wife Lea Ann have four children: Megan (31), Haley (28), Logan (25) and Sophie (22).
