By Aaron Mitchum
Hey parents! Let’s chat about something we all deal with but don’t often fully understand: emotions. If you have kids – and especially if you have teens – you have probably noticed how emotions can sometimes feel like a rollercoaster that is throwing the whole family for a loop. As we seek to be the parents and caregivers God created us to be, it might help to better understand what’s happening in the minds and bodies of the young people in our care.
Emotions are a fascinating part of being human and not something to be labeled as simply good or bad. A better understanding of our own emotions and having the tools to help our kids to navigate theirs can bring peace to our homes. So, let’s dive into the feels to see what they are and how they shape our lives.
Why Do We Have Emotions?
Dr. Antonio Damasio, a well-known neuroscientist, tells us that emotions are crucial for our survival. They give us feedback about our health, our relationships, and our surroundings. Emotions push us to take action, helping us adapt to what’s going on around us and easing emotional tension. For example, when we’re sad, we might cry or seek a hug for comfort. When we’re angry, we might yell or physically express our frustration.
What Are Emotions, Really?
Emotions start as physical sensations in our bodies, much like how we feel changes in temperature. If these feelings are too strong or too weak, they grab our attention. Think of that twist in your stomach or the flutter in your heart. These feelings evolve into full-blown emotions unless we ignore them (like when we compartmentalize) or suppress them out of fear (because we’ve learned those feelings get us in trouble or remind us of a troubling memory).
Emotions and Trauma
Sometimes, trauma can trap these emotions in our bodies, making us avoid feeling them altogether. This is a self protection that happens automatically to keep us from re-experiencing pain or discomfort.
Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Regulation
While emotions are vital for our survival, they don’t always help us in social situations. Some emotional reactions can push people away or cause problems. Plus, trauma can mess with our perception, making us think the present is the same as a painful past which tragically often causes us to recreate that painful past unnecessarily. That’s why emotional intelligence, awareness and regulation are really important skills to learn.
How Our Brains Handle Emotions
Our brains have two main ways of processing emotions: the slow road and the fast road. The slow road lets us think and reflect before we act, giving us time to decide if our response is appropriate. The fast road is all about instinct and immediate reactions, driven by our primal urges. Both ways can be useful, depending on the situation but it’s important to remember that our adolescents (roughly ages 12-25) are still growing the parts of the brain that make regulation and the slow road possible which is why they need adults in their lives.
Dealing with Trauma and Staying Present with Mindfulness
With non-judgmental observation and reflection, we can learn to tell the difference between being present and running on autopilot—a state often influenced by past trauma. Mindfulness, or really paying attention to how we feel without judgment, helps us separate past triggers from what’s happening now.
Practicing mindfulness isn’t a quick fix. It’s a gradual process that builds the awareness we need to make conscious choices. This awareness can lead to new behaviors and healthier automatic responses that better suit our current needs.
Wrapping It Up
Emotions are more than just reactions—they’re signals guiding us through life’s complexities. By understanding and managing them, we can lead more fulfilling and adaptable lives.
Myth Buster
When it comes to emotions, I hear many things that are meant to be helpful but tend to get in the way of building those skills I listed above. Here’s today’s myth buster:
You can’t change the past so it’s not worth talking about. It’s true, you can’t change the past. But you can change how your brain and nervous system reacts to the past. Therapy and other types of emotional well being work helps memories (and the emotions connected to them) to be altered so that they don’t upset us so much.
Connection Tip
If your teens are having big emotions or no emotions about something or there has been an incident that you need to address with them, try a version of Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson Pain’s technique of “connect before you redirect.” The key is that you don’t address the behavior and your needs before you address the heart and the needs of your teen.
- Step One: Figure out if they need space or if they need closeness. (Remember this isn’t about whether you like space or closeness. It’s about what they need.)
- Step Two: When they are ready for connection, start where they are (this might mean feeding them, playing a video game, sitting down with them, watching a YouTube video with them, playing a game or physical activity – or it could mean they’re ready for a conversation).
- Step Three: Talk about what happened non-judgmentally. Use reflective language, try to figure out what was going on for them and what their real motivation was, not what it made you feel.
- Step Four: Once you feel like you understand what they were going through and needing and have validated their heart, then you can talk about any adjustment or consequences that need to be made.
Final note: It’s really important you don’t do this when you’re upset. You want to stay present, not too hot and not too cold.
About Aaron Mitchum: Aaron is a licensed clinical professional counselor at Analog Counseling in Overland Park with extensive certifications in psychoanalysis. Aaron is committed to empowering individuals on their journey to wellness. Currently advancing his expertise in Somatic Experiencing, he is deeply invested in holistic healing approaches that honor the mind-body connection. And his passion for spiritual formation has led him to author several publications, bridging the gap between psychology and spirituality.
Aaron serves on Youthfront’s Board of Directors.
