Perfect parenting? A news lens on “getting it right”.
Too often we think of life in general – and parenting in particular – as if it were a test to pass or a problem to solve. We can become obsessed with “getting it right” and can be pretty harsh on ourselves whenever we make a mistake. But what if being present is what it means to get it right?
Jesus boldly claims he came to show us how to live life to the full (John 10:10). Later he said, “These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.” (John 15:11) What if he meant what he said? How would our approach to life and parenting be different if we took joy seriously? What if life is meant to be lived more like a day at an amusement park rather than taking a test? Is there one right way to experience an amusement park? Are there three steps everyone must follow in order to have fun? Or is it more about being fully alive with the people you love most, doing things that result in laughter, make for great stories, and being exhausted by the end?
In Romans 3, Paul makes it clear that a perfect person is a purple unicorn: they don’t exist. I have come to believe that trying to be a perfect parent is like trying to be an even letter. It makes no sense. The idea, even when unspoken, of being perfect makes no sense when it comes to parenting because it is not a test to be passed. Parenting is an adventure with ups and downs, twists and turns, and many detours along the way. The point is not getting it perfect but enjoying the journey. As I often say, parenting is about being present, not perfect.
I have noticed two primary ways parents tend to respond when mistakes are made. The parent who thinks in terms of getting it right tends to react like one under all the pressure of passing the bar exam…..with shaming, blaming, controlling or escaping behaviors. While the parent who thinks in terms of being present tends to respond with grace. They seem to understand nothing can get between them and love.
Those parents who respond more out of love than fear seem to have a few characteristics in common. As you read through this short list of gifts, are you able to be curious as to how they show up in your life?
Belonging. An inner sense of security that comes from experiencing God’s love for them that frees them from needing their children to love them.
Acceptance. Accepting themselves with kindness even when their children cannot.
Spaciousness. Discovering freedom to respond in various and healthy ways when things don’t go their way.
Power. An ability to love that flows naturally from them to their children.
I call these gifts because they can’t be earned or taken but are poured out into our hearts from God. Why not take a few minutes right now to open your heart and ponder each of these gifts, giving space and time for them to sink in and soak your heart and mind? As they do, may you feel the energy of God’s love pulsating within you even as it flows from you. May you be released from the need to be perfect as you experience the joy of the God who is already present.
About Jamie Roach: Jamie has served on the staff of Youthfront for 35 years, working with students, parents and youth workers. His passion is seeing people live their best life. Jamie is a spiritual director, author, communicator and Licensed Professional Counselor at Youthfront’s affiliate, Presence-Centered Counseling. He received his Master of Divinity degree from Nazarene Theological Seminary and a Master of Arts in Counseling from Mid-America Nazarene University. Jamie loves Nebraska football, reading, walks in the woods and hanging out with his family. Jamie and his wife Lea Ann have four children: Megan (31), Haley (28), Logan (25) and Sophie (22).
