By Jamie Roach
In my years walking alongside families and teenagers, I’ve come to believe that one of the deepest longings of a child is to be seen, loved, and accepted just as they are. The digital world presses hard on that longing. Smartphones and social media subtly train our kids to believe that their worth is tied to performance, image, and the number of “likes.” Phones buzz in their pockets with notifications going off like small alarms in their nervous systems.
Today, a child’s nervous system is being shaped to live in a state of constant vigilance, bouncing between fight-or-flight and shut-down, rarely able to settle into the safety of just being. In that liminal space, self-doubt and shame fester and linger.
As parents who are paying attention, we’re not just seeing a mental health crisis—we’re watching our children being formed in an identity of performance, instead of belovedness. But there is hope. Jesus came not as a distant idea but as a human being in the flesh. He became present—embodied—and speaks to our hearts with love. He invites us, and our children, into a different story. One where worth isn’t earned. One where we can rest, be noticed, and know we are deeply loved just as we are.
As I’ve spoken to churches and parent groups on this topic, a few questions keep coming up. I want to offer a few responses here, drawn from love, science, and faith.
- “What boundaries make sense without coming off as authoritarian?”
Begin by modeling what you want to see. Before handing your child a phone or granting access to social media, have honest conversations about your own tech habits, your temptations, and your frustrations.
Here are a few boundary ideas that foster connection instead of control:
- Delay smartphones until mid- or late-adolescence
- Hold off on social media until at least age 16
- Establish screen-free zones (e.g. dinner table, bedtime, family devotions)
- Create tech agreements with your teen, not just for them
- Practice regular “digital sabbath” days as a family
Boundaries, when grounded in love, communicate: “I care too much about you to leave your sense of worth and belonging to chance.”
- “How do I respond when my child says some version of, ‘I’ll be the only one!’?”
Start by leaning into their pain. Validate how hard it is to feel left out or excluded. Share your own stories of feeling left behind. Then gently remind them: “My job is to keep you safe. I love you more than you know, and I’m doing my best—even when it’s hard.”
You can also offer three reflective questions before they post or scroll:
- Who am I trying to be seen by?
- What do I hope to feel after this?
- If no one responds—what will I do with the silence?
- Over time, these questions help them move from external craving to internal contentment.
- “How can I be there for them in a way that helps their internal life?”
This is where neuroscience meets Jesus. Adolescents aren’t yet equipped to fully regulate their nervous systems. So they borrow ours. We train them in the way they should go.
When we stay calm, grounded, and present—they can anchor in us. This is called co-regulation. Through our physical presence, they experience God’s peace.
So choose presence over being right. Ask open questions. Sit with them in silence. Offer your calm as a holding space. Like Jesus in the boat during the storm (Mark 4), you become the non-anxious presence in their chaos.
These moments—when your nervous system steadies theirs—are where long-term emotional health begins.
Practical Steps Forward:
- Begin your own “digital audit:” Where are you being pulled?
- Create a shared “tech covenant” with your teen
- Prioritize embodied connection—walks, games, shared meals, prayer
- Try weekly “unplugged” family nights
- Build a community of like-minded parents (especially in church)
In the end, it’s not about rules for the sake of rules. It’s about nurturing a relationship that echoes God’s unconditional love.
Our children will face storms in the digital world—we can’t control them. But we can be their safe harbor. We can be their steady presence.
And we can remind them again and again: You are seen. You are loved. You are accepted—just as you are, apart from performance.
That story—centered in Christ—reorients every scroll, every post, and every fleeting “like.”
About Jamie Roach: Jamie has served on the staff of Youthfront for 35 years, working with students, parents and youth workers. His passion is seeing people live their best life. Jamie is a spiritual director, author, communicator and Licensed Professional Counselor at Youthfront’s affiliate, Presence-Centered Counseling. He received his Master of Divinity degree from Nazarene Theological Seminary and a Master of Arts in Counseling from Mid-America Nazarene University. Jamie loves Nebraska football, reading, walks in the woods and hanging out with his family. Jamie and his wife Lea Ann have four adult children and four grandchildren.
