By Jamie Roach
My daughter was 5 or 6 years old. It was bedtime and I was exhausted. I don’t remember what she said that set me off, but I do remember losing it. I became angry, and demanded harshly she get into bed and go to sleep! Being the compliant child she was, she immediately got into bed and I left the room. She did not utter another word as I left her room. Closing the door behind me, I immediately felt the warm wash of shame roll over my shoulders and into my soul.
One of the biggest hindrances to being a loving presence to our children is the pressure to be perfect. Perfect parenting makes about as much sense as an odd letter. Just as there is no baseball without striking out, there is no parenting without yelling. What we do after we have lost it, yelled at our kids or otherwise acted in ways we regret is perhaps the most critical point in the parenting journey.
Founders of Attachment Theory, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth emphasized that a strong bond between the parent and child is not about never experiencing conflict but about doing effective repair work. Nearly one hundred years of research and studies have revealed that parents who are intentional about doing repair work develop much stronger and healthier relationships with their children. Additionally, the repair process helps children develop trust and emotional security, knowing their parents will be there for them even after disagreements.
Let me share one reason why doing repair work is critical. Whenever a child experiences a conflict with their parents, the unconscious assumption they make is “Something is wrong with me, I am a bad person.” It feels psychologically safer to assume my parents are good and safe and therefore I am the problem. Psychiatrist W. Ronald Fairbairn put it this way, “It is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the Devil.” Believing I am the problem gives me a sense of control. If I just try harder I can become good, loved and accepted. If left unchecked, this story becomes a core belief, leading the child down a path marked by self-doubt, perfectionism, and a loss of identity which becomes a seedbed for a whole host of problems.
Five guidelines for effective repair work:
- Remind yourself that you are God’s Beloved. You are not on trial. You are not being judged. You are fiercely and unconditionally loved. Whatever you just did does nothing to change that. Your standing and identity is secure. You are a good parent who at the moment is struggling. Be kind to yourself as God is kind.
- Acknowledge to your child that you blew it. Don’t pretend it never happened and don’t sugarcoat it. Simply and clearly state the behavior you regret. Own your mistakes and model for your child you are a good person who made a poor decision.
- Express Genuine Regret. A heartfelt “I am so sorry!” goes a long way. Be specific about what you regret and express your feelings sincerely. This will validate your child’s experience while also modeling emotional honesty.
- Make Amends: Beyond words, actions speak volumes. Find ways to make things right, whether through a kind gesture, a hug, a smile, or spending quality time together.
- Give them time and space to forgive. Depending on the depth of the wound inflicted by the interaction your child may need some time for their nervous system to settle down. You have done your job in the previous 4 steps. Now give love time and space to do her work.
So I’d like to wrap up the story I started with and share what it might sound like when we put these guidelines together. After calming down and a quick conversation with my wife, I headed back into my daughter’s room. I crossed over the room and sat on the edge of her bed. As I looked her in the face, I could read something between confusion, sadness and shame in her eyes. I bent low and whispered, “Honey, I am so sorry. I lost my temper and yelled at you. That was not your fault. Daddy is working on being more patient and I am so sorry I talked to you that way. It must have been scary. Can you forgive me?” I could see her face transform as she took in what I was saying. She reached up and hugged me and said, “I love you, Daddy.” I hugged her back and we stayed there for a few moments before I left the room. This time I left with the warm feeling of love and grace welling up in my heart.
By embracing our imperfections and engaging in the humble, transformative process of repair, we can cultivate deeper, more resilient relationships with our children. This journey not only strengthens our families but also reflects the boundless grace and love that God extends to each of us. As we aim to parent with compassion and authenticity, we embody the very heart of Christian faith—love in action, healing through humility, and growth through grace.
About Jamie Roach: Jamie has served on the staff of Youthfront for 35 years, working with students, parents and youth workers. His passion is seeing people live their best life. Jamie is a spiritual director, author, communicator and Licensed Professional Counselor at Youthfront’s affiliate, Presence-Centered Counseling. He received his Master of Divinity degree from Nazarene Theological Seminary and a Master of Arts in Counseling from Mid-America Nazarene University. Jamie loves Nebraska football, reading, walks in the woods and hanging out with his family. Jamie and his wife Lea Ann have four children: Megan (31), Haley (28), Logan (25) and Sophie (22).
