By Jamie Roach
As parents, one of our greatest joys is watching our children discover their passions, engage in activities, and develop their skills and identities. Whether it’s sports, music, or academics, we invest significant time, energy, and resources into supporting their pursuits. Yet, we must reflect on how to truly support them in ways that nurture their growth, build secure attachment, and foster spiritual and emotional well-being. Supporting our children is not about pushing them to succeed according to our expectations, but about providing a foundation of security and connection from which they can thrive.
1. Prioritize Presence Over Performance
Many of us fall into the trap of pressuring our children to excel, driven by a desire for their success. However, research shows that pressure often backfires, leading to anxiety, perfectionism, and fear of failure. Instead of tying love and support to performance, let’s be present with them. Dr. Becky Kennedy emphasizes the importance of connection over correction. Celebrate effort, joy, and learning, rather than focusing solely on results. This sends the message that our love is unconditional.
Instead of saying, “You played a great game today,” try, “I am so glad I was here to watch you play.”
2. Attune to Their Emotional Needs
Experts like Dan Siegel highlight the importance of attunement—tuning into our children’s emotional states and responding with empathy. When they face challenges—whether losing a game or struggling with an instrument—attuning to their emotions is key. By validating their feelings, we create a space where they feel understood and supported.
Instead of offering advice like, “If you keep your eye on the ball, you will get more hits,” try saying, “I can see you’re really frustrated. Losing can be so hard.”
3. Recognize the Difference Between Our Dreams and Theirs
Carl Jung’s insight that “the greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents” reminds us not to project our own ambitions onto our children. It’s easy to unconsciously push them into activities we once loved or wish we had pursued. We should regularly check our motivations: are we encouraging their interests or subtly steering them toward our unfulfilled dreams? Supporting their authentic growth requires letting go of our own agendas and allowing them to explore their unique path.
Before offering advice, reflect on why it’s important to us that our child succeeds in a particular way.
4. Create a Safe Space for Failure and Growth
Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory teaches us that children thrive in environments where they feel safe. Activities come with highs and lows, but how we respond matters most. If we react with disappointment when they fail, they may associate mistakes with rejection. We should create an emotional space where failure is seen as a step toward growth. By praising effort over outcome and encouraging a growth mindset, we help our children build the confidence to take risks.
Instead of saying, “Let me show you how to do that better,” try, “I’m proud of you for taking risks. Making mistakes is part of trying. You’re brave.”
5. Root Their Identity in God’s Love, Not Performance
A key part of our role in parenting is helping our kids to understand their identity as God’s children. While talents and abilities are things to be celebrated and enjoyed, they should not be the hub of our children’s identity. Our worth and value are not based on performance. We have value and worth because of who we already are as Children of God. Our doing (performance) therefore flows out of our being (identity). We don’t perform to prove we have value. Our value is innate and God given. Our doing is the expression of who God has uniquely created us to be. It is our job as parents to constantly bear witness to this truth. To place our child’s performance before their identity is to yank them out of reality and is the root of all kinds of trouble.
Instead of saying, “I’m proud of you for winning,” say, “Great job today. You know, your performance has nothing to do with how much I love you, I just love watching you do your thing.”
Being supportive parents in our children’s activities is ultimately about fostering relationships of trust, connection, and unconditional love. It’s about walking alongside them as they discover who they are and what they’re passionate about. By being emotionally present, attuned to their needs, and grounded in our own spiritual and emotional growth, we create the conditions for our children to thrive—not just in their activities but in life.
About Jamie Roach: Jamie has served on the staff of Youthfront for 35 years, working with students, parents and youth workers. His passion is seeing people live their best life. Jamie is a spiritual director, author, communicator and Licensed Professional Counselor at Youthfront’s affiliate, Presence-Centered Counseling. He received his Master of Divinity degree from Nazarene Theological Seminary and a Master of Arts in Counseling from Mid-America Nazarene University. Jamie loves Nebraska football, reading, walks in the woods and hanging out with his family. Jamie and his wife Lea Ann have four children: Megan (31), Haley (28), Logan (25) and Sophie (22).
