By Natasha Nikkel
A drive through the suburbs looking at porch signs, a walk through a home décor store, or a quick scan through social media will surely lead you to stumble upon a sign or a hashtag: BLESSED. The word has become embedded into our lives and gets tossed about freely. But what do we really mean when we use this word?
If I’m being honest, I mostly just mean that life has gone the way I wanted it to go. Blessed because I carry warm, fuzzy feelings that moment. Blessed because the family is all together and happy. Blessed because my kid passed the test, made the team, or got the scholarship. In those moments, it’s so easy to feel God’s goodness.
Jesus has a different take. In Matthew, he says:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matt. 5:3-10)
Starting with poor and mourning, all the way to persecuted at the end, this description is not exactly commercially appealing, but it does do something very profound. It paves the way for a much wider experience of blessing. This definition from Jesus is generously abundant. It includes a spectrum of circumstances and the emotions that go along with it. Blessed lives are not just the happy, cheery, shiny ones. Blessed lives are also the hard ones, the achy ones.
Authors Kate Bowler and Jessica Richie write: “We need a language of acknowledgment for the lives we actually have, not simply the lives we wish for.” The truth is, no matter what we try to portray, our lives are messy. Relationships and situations are complex and nuanced. Jesus welcomes this and finds goodness in it. He marries pain and joy together. There can be no mourner without tragedy or loss. There can be no peacemaker without conflict or war.
As parents, our ability to embrace our own complex lives and emotions sets the tone for our children being able to navigate theirs. If we only engage the happy, shiny pieces with them, we leave them alone with their own dark encounters. Our kids don’t need our blessed perfection; they need our blessed reality. The messy, imperfect you, who sits with your child as they cry. The messy, imperfect you, who awkwardly stumbles through that first talk on the birds and the bees. The messy, imperfect you who was unnecessarily short, and then went back to apologize for being so. In facing these hard moments and encounters, we show our kids that life is indeed good and blessed when you have someone walking alongside you on the journey.
Here are a few ideas that may help you embrace the breadth of blessing:
Be aware of your own wounds.
Most of my parental regrets can be traced back to my own lack of self-understanding. In hindsight, I see that it would have been better to parent from a healed scar rather than an open wound. Don’t be afraid to explore the complexity of your own inner life, whether with a therapist, a spiritual director, or working through a book on your own.
Use a gratitude journal or app.
One of the last things I do before going to sleep each night is open a gratitude app that prompts me to name three things I’m thankful for. I find this reflection to be helpful, especially on “bad days.” When I attune to the good things in my life, suddenly the bad day isn’t so bad. If it fits, you can even consider weaving this into your family’s routine and inviting others to name things they are grateful for.
Embrace your child’s role as co-life-learner.
Though adults are farther along the path, we’re all alive for the first time, trying to navigate this world. Our kids can offer us deep insight if we have the patience to listen and the willingness to take their thoughts seriously. Don’t be afraid to change your mind on something based on feedback from your child.
Don’t confuse presence with performance.
When your child is hurting or going through something complex, it’s easy to jump into problem solving mode. We want to be useful and helpful, but that’s based on our ability to perform for our child. It’s enough to just be present, even if you can’t offer answers. They will remember you, not the solution.
About Natasha Nikkel: Natasha, currently serving as the COO of Youthfront, wholeheartedly embraces the quest for the sacred amid life’s challenges. With a background in social psychology and a wealth of unique personal experiences, Natasha possesses a deep understanding of trauma and the transformative power of human connection. As a licensed foster parent, she and her husband adopted two children from the foster care system, ages 10 and 13 at the time. Beyond her role as a foster/adoptive parent, Natasha has served as a committed board member for multiple non-profit organizations in Kansas City. Guiding and mentoring start-up nonprofits holds a special place in her heart as she witnesses their journey from initial ideas-for-good to the tangible reality of becoming fully-fledged, formal organizations. She is especially passionate about organizations that work with youth from hard places.
