By Jamie Roach
Here we are. The end of another summer and fall beckons us with all the excitement and unknown that a new school year brings. Of course, we’ve done our best to prepare our kids and ourselves for the year ahead. Perhaps you purchased supplies, adjusted bedtimes, and pulled the backpacks and lunchboxes out of the closet. Those are all good things. But I’d suggest to you that there is one thing that matters most for your kids’ success: your presence.
When I was a junior in high school I lost a wrestling match I was supposed to win. The loss hit me hard. I felt like a failure and I couldn’t believe I had lost. It felt like I was collapsing in on myself. I wanted to find a hole I could crawl into and die. Compounding the problem was the match took place 30 minutes before it was scheduled and my parents had not made it to the meet yet. I felt utterly alone drowning in feelings of sadness, fear and shame. I was embarrassed and I had to get out of the gym. I literally ran to the nearest exit and kept running until I stopped under a tree near the entrance of the parking lot for the gym. And there I waited for my parents.
My body knew what I needed even if my mind wasn’t ready to admit it. Sure enough in just a matter of minutes, my parents showed up. They immediately rushed to where I was and sat down beside me. I don’t remember what was said but I remember the way it felt. The unbearable feeling of aloneness in the face of overwhelming adversity began to dissipate. Something was shifting inside, the darkness was giving way to a glimmer of light. I no longer felt alone. I felt seen, understood and supported by their being with me.
My training as a therapist helps me to understand what I was experiencing. My system was overwhelmed, I had become disregulated and my flight response had taken over. Unable to regulate myself, I borrowed what I needed from my mom and dad. Children learn to regulate themselves through experiencing co-regulation with their parents. The love and care I felt from my parents soothed my nervous system. Once my system calmed down, I regained access to the best parts of myself. I was able to go back into the gym and face my teammates and continue wrestling in the tournament. Without their caring presence, who knows how long my system may have remained stuck in that disregulated state, leaving me feeling scared, embarrassed and afraid.
As we head into another school year, our kids are going to face situations that overwhelm their system. This is a normal part of growing up and does not mean they are weak or lacking. Increased levels of stress, anxiety and depression among young people have been well documented. We cannot avoid it. What we also know is that kids with at least one parent who is emotionally present to them are in a much better position to handle these stressful encounters. Your very presence protects them like a bike helmet: it won’t prevent an accident, but it can lead to drastically different consequences when one occurs.
Your very presence protects them like a bike helmet: it won’t prevent an accident, but it can lead to drastically different consequences when one occurs.
Being present to our children involves more than meeting their physical needs for food, clothing, shelter and a phone. It includes showing up for them emotionally. Being present to our children requires more than tips and techniques. It is a way of being in the world with them. It requires our own healing and transformation, which is the work of God. Investing in yourself may be the best gift you can give your child.
If you’re looking for some help and encouragement with being present to the people and moments that matter most to you in this season, consider signing up for A Gift of Presence, a free five-day devotional series for parents beginning August 28. Short daily video and text devotions will help you to practice presence with God, yourself and your family. Learn more and sign up at youthfront.com/a-gift-of-presence.
About Jamie Roach: Jamie has served on the staff of Youthfront for 35 years, working with students, parents and youth workers. His passion is seeing people live their best life. Jamie is a spiritual director, author, communicator and Licensed Professional Counselor at Youthfront’s affiliate, Presence-Centered Counseling. He received his Master of Divinity degree from Nazarene Theological Seminary and a Master of Arts in Counseling from Mid-America Nazarene University. Jamie loves Nebraska football, reading, walks in the woods and hanging out with his family. Jamie and his wife Lea Ann have four children: Megan (31), Haley (28), Logan (25) and Sophie (22).
