By Kara Root
All people will die – no exceptions. Most of the time, modern people excel at hiding this from ourselves, and especially from our children. But experiencing death and people dying is an inevitable part of life. This means funerals will also be part of every person’s life. Whether we call them “A Celebration of Life” and mostly don’t talk about the death part, or we have a full-on funeral with an open casket, or a memorial service somewhere in-between, the deeply human act of acknowledging the end of a loved one’s earthly life and entrusting them, and ourselves to God, matters. Funerals hold us inside a bigger story of God’s love and of all those gone before. They can strengthen our faith and help us grieve, and they should point us to a future when death will be no more. Taking a child to a funeral helps prepare them for life, gives them valuable, shared, human experiences around death, and opens up opportunities for meaningful dialogues.
What to Know About Death
Being alive means dying. But the simple fact of mortality is not generally what scares us about death. What makes death awful is that death separates. Death separates us from the people we love, the beauty and joy of living, what we thought life would be, or what was left undone. And death seems like the most final thing there is, the ultimate separation. Death is loss. Death is sad. Death is confusing and uncontrollable. Death feels permanent.
Everyone dies. (Except God). Everyone dies because we live in the time when all die. (Even those who come back from the dead through miracle or medical technology will ultimately die). But there is one exception to this: Jesus. Not only did Jesus not stay dead, when Jesus rose from the dead, he did not die again because Jesus came from God’s future into our now — from the time when all live into the time when all die. Jesus breaks into the time when all die carrying within himself God’s future, and he comes to take us with him into the time when all live. (2 Cor. 5:1, 1 Thess. 4:13-14, 1 Cor. 15:42-55, Ps. 49:15, John 5:25). Because of Jesus, death does not win. The time is coming when all will live. (1 Cor. 15:51-52, John 5:21-22).
Resurrection defines us more than death does. Death has a hold on life, and we participate in death, but death does not define us. We belong to God and that will never change. Every experience we have in this life of death — each loss and pain we suffer and inflict on others, each time something is taken from our being, every brokenness, every injustice — Jesus came to share them with us and bear them for us on the cross. All our suffering and death is taken by Christ into the heart of God. There is nothing that can separate us from God’s love, not even death (Rom. 8:38-39). And God creates life. God comes into our deaths bringing new life, and promises that in the very end, all death will die (Hosea 13:14, 1 Cor. 15:24-26, 54-55), and all that remains is life and love.
This is the hope of the resurrection (John 11:25-26). Frederick Buechner summed it up this way: “Resurrection means the worst thing is never the last thing.” Or as often gets attributed to John Lennon, “Everything will be ok in the end. So, if it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.”
What to Know About Funerals
Being sad, uncomfortable, frightened, overwhelmed, or curious, or even matter-of-fact (“What’s the big deal? Everything dies!”) are all normal. Adults and kids alike have lots of feelings at funerals. It’s all ok. Being vulnerable, and seeing grown-ups be vulnerable, is awkward and beautiful, and helps us live more bravely and compassionately.
Funerals are an ideal time to explore how people can have many conflicting feelings at the same time. For example: we can be really sad that Grandma is dead, but glad that she is not suffering anymore. We can be angry that she died before we got to make Christmas cookies with her like she promised, and feel guilty for feeling angry. We can feel scared that we could talk to her on the phone yesterday and now today she’s just gone. All these feelings can happen at the same time, and none of them are bad. Instead, they point to what’s real: We love Grandma. We belong to her and she belongs to us. She made life more fun. We will miss her terribly.
Funerals help us say together “This is not ok.” We gather to recognize that death is sad and scary. We pray, and sing, and cry, and laugh, and remember our loved ones, and show pictures and tell stories, and tell God we are sad or angry. We grieve that the person we love is gone from us. We say, “This is not ok!” This is important and necessary work, part of being human.
Funerals also remind us, “This is not the end.” We also gather to say death will not get the final word. We remember and proclaim that Jesus’ resurrection is our hope and God’s promise. In the end, all that is broken in this life will be healed, all that is lost in this life will be found, and all tears will be turned to joy (Isaiah 25:8, Rev. 21:4). In the end, all will be made well. So we say, “This is not the end!” One day we will be held together in love forever. This is why some traditions call funerals “A Service of Witness to the Resurrection.”
Death is the same for us all, but all deaths are different. All death brings loss and grief, but some loss and grief hit closer to home, or come with more shock, anger or confusion. Is this an acquaintance, a friend, a teacher or a beloved grandparent? Is it a death of a child? Was the death sudden and unexpected, or did it come after a long illness? Did the person die by suicide or in an accident? While we want to keep things tidy; death doesn’t always respect this. We can stay present and honest to the relationships and circumstances. There are some feelings and experiences we all share, but also each child — each person — will have their own mix of emotions and reactions. What is helpful in the moment? Silence? Talking? Being together? Time alone?
Preparing yourself to Parent through a Funeral
- Recall your first funeral. How old were you? Whose funeral was it? What do you remember about it? How did you feel? How did the adults around you act? Share stories with your kids beforehand or afterwards.
- Think about what was helpful for you as a kid. Did someone say something that stuck with you? Did someone hold your hand and walk with you to the casket? What do you wish someone had told you or how do you wish someone had been there for you? This is your chance to be that for your own child(ren).
- Find out ahead of time what to expect. Will the body be there? If they ask, how will you talk about what happened to the body? Will you attend a luncheon? Will you go to the graveside? Help your kids know what the day will look like.
- Let them know how to participate. Kids can make a card and bring it to the service. There will be a basket for cards. Sign the guest book at the door. Most services still have a guestbook and pen. Participate: sing along and follow the bulletin.
- Be truthful. Kids can handle honest, matter of fact conversation about death. Kids also pick up on our discomfort, and nobody appreciates platitudes or clichés. It’s better to say how we are feeling than to pretend we are not uncomfortable. For example, “This topic makes me uncomfortable because I feel really sad, and death is hard for all of us to understand. But death happens to everyone, and we don’t have to understand everything. God takes care of us. ‘In life and in death, we belong to God.’ (Romans 14:8)1 And I know God is taking care of [Grandpa, friend, etc].”
- Help your kids be ministers. We are all ministers — this just means we are made in the image of a God who cares for us, so caring for each other is our way to be most human. Jesus invites us to join in his caring for others. Pray for the family and talk about ways you might be a blessing to them. If it’s a close family member, are there ways you and your kids can help before or after the service? Can you prepare a meal to deliver to the family? (Especially nice is a card or gift months later, after the initial attention has faded, while the family is adjusting to life without their loved one.)
- Debrief the experience. Invite everyone to save up questions and comments, and be ready to talk together afterwards. What are you noticing? What are you feeling? What made you smile? What made you sad or mad? What do you have questions about? What surprised you? What was confusing? Have a car conversation or debrief when you get home, on a walk together, or at a restaurant.
- Remember, what your kids need from you is you. In Jesus, God came to be with and for us. In life’s hardest and messiest moments, when we are with and for each other, Jesus is right here. It’s not about having all the answers or knowing what to say, it’s about being present, with and for one another. When we do that, God will guide us through.
1 and the Presbyterian A Brief Statement of Faith.
About Kara Root: Rev. Kara K. Root is the author of The Deepest Belonging, (2021), Receiving This Life, (2023), and co-author of A Pilgrimage Into Letting Go (2025).
Pastor of Lake Nokomis Presbyterian Church in Minneapolis, MN, a Christian community that shapes its life around worship, hospitality and Sabbath rest, she is a trained Spiritual Director and Certified Educator in the PCUSA. Being mom to two intriguing young adults (and a sweet dog), and wife and proofreader to a wily theologian, spices up her vocational calling and keeps her fully immersed in life.
She has written for Sparkhouse, Working Preacher, Christian Century, Christianity Today, Faith and Leadership, Patheos and more. Kara leads retreats and workshops on sabbath rest, prayer practices, and church leadership and transformation. Kara and her husband, Andy, lead workshops and speak together through Root Creative, inc.
